Department of Mystery

The Instant Pot, a programmable pressure and slow cooker, which has exponentially gained popularity in recent years, has found yet another use.  Until now, the Instant Pot was used for cooking an incredible variety of foods, from macaroni and cheese, to tea, to beef wellington.  In an announcement that is sure to continue the Instant Pot craze, researchers at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore declared that they successfully created a cure to cancer in the versatile kitchen appliance.  The researchers combined all the necessary components into the Instant Pot, including stem cell DNA, chemotherapy drugs, antibiotics; and a spice mix consisting of turmeric, paprika, salt, nutmeg, and cinnamon.  Director of Clinical Pathology Dr. Fred Vance explained the process further: "First, use saute mode under low heat to gently cook the mixture until brown.  Then pressure cook under high pressure for exactly 17 minutes, and release using QR."  For readers unfamiliar...

Tech giant and driver-less car pioneer Google announced that it will be deploying robotic middle fingers on all of its autonomous vehicles.  The deployments will begin in New York, followed by Detroit, Washington D.C.; and then proceed to less hostile driving environments.  The company realized that its current fleet of autonomous vehicles had no way of displaying displeasure or anger when cut-off, tailgated, or for any other rude and generally ass-holey actions.  The middle fingers will have two speed settings.  The "instant" setting will employ a spring mechanism that will rapidly deploy the finger for situations that require quick reaction.  The "slow and steady" setting will feature the driver side window slowly rolling down while the middle finger simultaneously extends out the car towards the offending vehicle.  A camera in the middle finger will record the other driver's reactions, and sophisticated facial recognition software will interpret the reac...

In an announcement that is sure add speculation to the much anticipated location search for its second headquarters, Amazon has stated that it will pit cities vying for the honor against each other in a Hunger Games style contest.  CEO Jeff Bezos will visit each city hoping to become the home of the corporation's new headquarters, and personally choose a contestant to participate in a fight to the death.  The winner's city will be bestowed with the blessing of becoming home to the secondary headquarters of the retail giant.  Each contestant will be given $100 which they will be able to purchase any supplies or weaponry of their choice prior to the contest, provided that it is available on the companies website.  During the Games, the company will dispatch drones to air drop other select Amazon retail merchandise to aid contestants as they progress through the battle.  "Amazon is not for the faint hearted," said Bezos, "and the 1st Annual Amazon Games will provid...

Due to severe budgetary cutbacks and lack of a manned space vehicle following the end of the Space Shuttle program, NASA has announced that it plans to wind down exploration of outer space, and instead focus on inner space.  "There is no need to look externally, when all the answers can be found within," explained newly appointed NASA Director Mary Rainbow Sundance.  "Our mission will now change to focus on our inner space as individuals, and find the answers that have eluded us as a species for millennia.  We must look deep within, and transcend space and time to fully realize NASA's potential," she explained before dimming the lights at the press conference and playing new age music.  NASA will re-purpose its major facilities and equipment to save money in its new endeavors.  Launch pads will now be upgraded to hold giant incense sticks.  The famous  Hubble  telescope which has for years taken images of the far reaches of the universe, will now ...

Printer juggernaut Hewlett Packard unveiled a new line of green printers which the company claims will be many times more environmentally friendly than any printer currently available.  "Double sided printing, non-toxic ink, and other innovations have provided incremental environmental improvements over the years," explained HP spokesperson Kathleen Simpson.  "However, our new technology will enable an order of magnitude reduction in the carbon footprint of the of the printer industry."  At the core of the new green printers is a proprietary algorithm utilizing neural networks and fuzzy logic which only allows randomly selected print jobs to actually be printed.  All other print jobs will simply display a series of nonsensical error messages such as "CODE 5XY" or "RGB 1, 2 , 9."  In addition, a newly developed planetary gear system with precisely machined defects will produce frustratingly frequent paper jams.  The company says the new printer wi...

Tech startup Cyber Stroke , announced the introduction a new Bluetooth enabled salt shaker; which the company says is set to revolutionize the way salt is dispensed.  At a press conference in Silicon Valley, co-founder and CEO Martin Thibodaux declared, “The way Americans have used salt shakers for generations is broken, and Cyber Stroke is here to fix it!”.  The sleek new design uses 3D printing technology to customize each salt shaker to fit the users unique hand, or “shake grip”, as it is known in the industry.  The device communicates directly to the Cyber Stroke Cloud via a house’s  wireless network to indicate when the level of salt is critically low.  That triggers an automated order, and a new fresh packet of salt is delivered straight to the user to refill the device. The packet is precisely measured prior to shipment to fill the shaker to the optimal level, eliminating the need to estimate the proper amount to pour out of a larger container as is curre...

Next week, online retail giant Amazon is set to conduct Beta testing of its new CHDS, or Catapult Home Delivery system.  The company, which had previously tested drone delivery, said in a statement: "Catapult delivery has the potential to disrupt the delivery business with a new green solution; one that doe snot require expensive to operate and maintain vehicular fleets."  Under this system, each warehouse would be equipped with an array of catapults that could launch products to customers within a 50 mile radius.  New algorithms have been developed to fine tune the catapult aiming system to accurately deliver products right through a customer's door.  Minor adjustments in flight will be accomplished using advanced telemetry and inertial navigation systems on the delivery module.  In anticipation of potential damage to household structures, each delivery will be accompanied with a door/window repair kit, which will be made available free to Prime subscribers....