Printer juggernaut Hewlett Packard unveiled a new line of green printers which the company claims will be many times more environmentally friendly than any printer currently available. "Double sided printing, non-toxic ink, and other innovations have provided incremental environmental improvements over the years," explained HP spokesperson Kathleen Simpson. "However, our new technology will enable an order of magnitude reduction in the carbon footprint of the of the printer industry." At the core of the new green printers is a proprietary algorithm utilizing neural networks and fuzzy logic which only allows randomly selected print jobs to actually be printed. All other print jobs will simply display a series of nonsensical error messages such as "CODE 5XY" or "RGB 1, 2 , 9." In addition, a newly developed planetary gear system with precisely machined defects will produce frustratingly frequent paper jams. The company says the new printer will be so exceedingly difficult to use, that the average user will either be unable to, or choose not to print; thereby by producing an environmental benefit that HP estimates will be the equivalent of removing 200 million cars from the roads.
The Instant Pot, a programmable pressure and slow cooker, which has exponentially gained popularity in recent years, has found yet another use. Until now, the Instant Pot was used for cooking an incredible variety of foods, from macaroni and cheese, to tea, to beef wellington. In an announcement that is sure to continue the Instant Pot craze, researchers at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore declared that they successfully created a cure to cancer in the versatile kitchen appliance. The researchers combined all the necessary components into the Instant Pot, including stem cell DNA, chemotherapy drugs, antibiotics; and a spice mix consisting of turmeric, paprika, salt, nutmeg, and cinnamon. Director of Clinical Pathology Dr. Fred Vance explained the process further: "First, use saute mode under low heat to gently cook the mixture until brown. Then pressure cook under high pressure for exactly 17 minutes, and release using QR." For readers unfamiliar...
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