In an announcement that is sure add speculation to the much anticipated location search for its second headquarters, Amazon has stated that it will pit cities vying for the honor against each other in a Hunger Games style contest. CEO Jeff Bezos will visit each city hoping to become the home of the corporation's new headquarters, and personally choose a contestant to participate in a fight to the death. The winner's city will be bestowed with the blessing of becoming home to the secondary headquarters of the retail giant. Each contestant will be given $100 which they will be able to purchase any supplies or weaponry of their choice prior to the contest, provided that it is available on the companies website. During the Games, the company will dispatch drones to air drop other select Amazon retail merchandise to aid contestants as they progress through the battle. "Amazon is not for the faint hearted," said Bezos, "and the 1st Annual Amazon Games will provide a medium to prove which city is worthy of hosting our company." Bezos also assured shareholders that the timeline for the Games would not affect the companies plans for world domination, which is currently scheduled for December 2023.
Tech giant and driver-less car pioneer Google announced that it will be deploying robotic middle fingers on all of its autonomous vehicles. The deployments will begin in New York, followed by Detroit, Washington D.C.; and then proceed to less hostile driving environments. The company realized that its current fleet of autonomous vehicles had no way of displaying displeasure or anger when cut-off, tailgated, or for any other rude and generally ass-holey actions. The middle fingers will have two speed settings. The "instant" setting will employ a spring mechanism that will rapidly deploy the finger for situations that require quick reaction. The "slow and steady" setting will feature the driver side window slowly rolling down while the middle finger simultaneously extends out the car towards the offending vehicle. A camera in the middle finger will record the other driver's reactions, and sophisticated facial recognition software will interpret the reac...
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