Next week, online retail giant Amazon is set to conduct Beta testing of its new CHDS, or Catapult Home Delivery system. The company, which had previously tested drone delivery, said in a statement: "Catapult delivery has the potential to disrupt the delivery business with a new green solution; one that doe snot require expensive to operate and maintain vehicular fleets." Under this system, each warehouse would be equipped with an array of catapults that could launch products to customers within a 50 mile radius. New algorithms have been developed to fine tune the catapult aiming system to accurately deliver products right through a customer's door. Minor adjustments in flight will be accomplished using advanced telemetry and inertial navigation systems on the delivery module. In anticipation of potential damage to household structures, each delivery will be accompanied with a door/window repair kit, which will be made available free to Prime subscribers. When fully deployed, the CHDS is expected to eliminate the need for up to 1 million delivery vehicles and reduce carbon dioxide emissions by 7 billion tons annually. Recognizing that a 50 mile range of the catapult will limit deliveries to customers relatively close to warehouses, Amazon has begun preliminary development of an alternate delivery using 150 mm artillery, which will deliver useless consumer products in lieu of explosive ordnance.
Tech giant and driver-less car pioneer Google announced that it will be deploying robotic middle fingers on all of its autonomous vehicles. The deployments will begin in New York, followed by Detroit, Washington D.C.; and then proceed to less hostile driving environments. The company realized that its current fleet of autonomous vehicles had no way of displaying displeasure or anger when cut-off, tailgated, or for any other rude and generally ass-holey actions. The middle fingers will have two speed settings. The "instant" setting will employ a spring mechanism that will rapidly deploy the finger for situations that require quick reaction. The "slow and steady" setting will feature the driver side window slowly rolling down while the middle finger simultaneously extends out the car towards the offending vehicle. A camera in the middle finger will record the other driver's reactions, and sophisticated facial recognition software will interpret the reac...
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