Next week, online retail giant Amazon is set to conduct Beta testing of its new CHDS, or Catapult Home Delivery system. The company, which had previously tested drone delivery, said in a statement: "Catapult delivery has the potential to disrupt the delivery business with a new green solution; one that doe snot require expensive to operate and maintain vehicular fleets." Under this system, each warehouse would be equipped with an array of catapults that could launch products to customers within a 50 mile radius. New algorithms have been developed to fine tune the catapult aiming system to accurately deliver products right through a customer's door. Minor adjustments in flight will be accomplished using advanced telemetry and inertial navigation systems on the delivery module. In anticipation of potential damage to household structures, each delivery will be accompanied with a door/window repair kit, which will be made available free to Prime subscribers. When fully deployed, the CHDS is expected to eliminate the need for up to 1 million delivery vehicles and reduce carbon dioxide emissions by 7 billion tons annually. Recognizing that a 50 mile range of the catapult will limit deliveries to customers relatively close to warehouses, Amazon has begun preliminary development of an alternate delivery using 150 mm artillery, which will deliver useless consumer products in lieu of explosive ordnance.
Printer juggernaut Hewlett Packard unveiled a new line of green printers which the company claims will be many times more environmentally friendly than any printer currently available. "Double sided printing, non-toxic ink, and other innovations have provided incremental environmental improvements over the years," explained HP spokesperson Kathleen Simpson. "However, our new technology will enable an order of magnitude reduction in the carbon footprint of the of the printer industry." At the core of the new green printers is a proprietary algorithm utilizing neural networks and fuzzy logic which only allows randomly selected print jobs to actually be printed. All other print jobs will simply display a series of nonsensical error messages such as "CODE 5XY" or "RGB 1, 2 , 9." In addition, a newly developed planetary gear system with precisely machined defects will produce frustratingly frequent paper jams. The company says the new printer wi...
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