Due to severe budgetary cutbacks and lack of a manned space vehicle following the end of the Space Shuttle program, NASA has announced that it plans to wind down exploration of outer space, and instead focus on inner space. "There is no need to look externally, when all the answers can be found within," explained newly appointed NASA Director Mary Rainbow Sundance. "Our mission will now change to focus on our inner space as individuals, and find the answers that have eluded us as a species for millennia. We must look deep within, and transcend space and time to fully realize NASA's potential," she explained before dimming the lights at the press conference and playing new age music. NASA will re-purpose its major facilities and equipment to save money in its new endeavors. Launch pads will now be upgraded to hold giant incense sticks. The famous Hubble telescope which has for years taken images of the far reaches of the universe, will now be pointed back at the Earth in order to take extreme close-up pictures of individuals. In its effort to find all the answers, NASA hopes to eliminate the need for itself by 2025.
The Instant Pot, a programmable pressure and slow cooker, which has exponentially gained popularity in recent years, has found yet another use. Until now, the Instant Pot was used for cooking an incredible variety of foods, from macaroni and cheese, to tea, to beef wellington. In an announcement that is sure to continue the Instant Pot craze, researchers at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore declared that they successfully created a cure to cancer in the versatile kitchen appliance. The researchers combined all the necessary components into the Instant Pot, including stem cell DNA, chemotherapy drugs, antibiotics; and a spice mix consisting of turmeric, paprika, salt, nutmeg, and cinnamon. Director of Clinical Pathology Dr. Fred Vance explained the process further: "First, use saute mode under low heat to gently cook the mixture until brown. Then pressure cook under high pressure for exactly 17 minutes, and release using QR." For readers unfamiliar...
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