Due to severe budgetary cutbacks and lack of a manned space vehicle following the end of the Space Shuttle program, NASA has announced that it plans to wind down exploration of outer space, and instead focus on inner space. "There is no need to look externally, when all the answers can be found within," explained newly appointed NASA Director Mary Rainbow Sundance. "Our mission will now change to focus on our inner space as individuals, and find the answers that have eluded us as a species for millennia. We must look deep within, and transcend space and time to fully realize NASA's potential," she explained before dimming the lights at the press conference and playing new age music. NASA will re-purpose its major facilities and equipment to save money in its new endeavors. Launch pads will now be upgraded to hold giant incense sticks. The famous Hubble telescope which has for years taken images of the far reaches of the universe, will now be pointed back at the Earth in order to take extreme close-up pictures of individuals. In its effort to find all the answers, NASA hopes to eliminate the need for itself by 2025.
The National Rifle Association has sponsored legislation in the U.S. Senate that would allow open carry of tactical and strategic nuclear weapons with a yield of 1 megaton and less. In a press briefing, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell stated, "Our NRA overlords have indicated that the only thing that will stop a bad guy with a nuke, is a good guy with a nuke. We have no reason to question that." Moderate Senate Republicans have signaled concerns that 1 megatons was too high of a threshold, and that they would want to lower the maximum yield to 150 kilotons. "We feel that limiting the size of personally owned nuclear weapons to 10 times the size of the Hiroshima bomb is a reasonable compromise," said Senator Susan Collins (R-Maine). Wayne LaPierre of the NRA argued that limiting the size of open carry nukes would be as dangerous to the nation as limiting the size of assault rifle magazines, and would be a slippery slope to outright repeal of the Secon...
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