Due to severe budgetary cutbacks and lack of a manned space vehicle following the end of the Space Shuttle program, NASA has announced that it plans to wind down exploration of outer space, and instead focus on inner space. "There is no need to look externally, when all the answers can be found within," explained newly appointed NASA Director Mary Rainbow Sundance. "Our mission will now change to focus on our inner space as individuals, and find the answers that have eluded us as a species for millennia. We must look deep within, and transcend space and time to fully realize NASA's potential," she explained before dimming the lights at the press conference and playing new age music. NASA will re-purpose its major facilities and equipment to save money in its new endeavors. Launch pads will now be upgraded to hold giant incense sticks. The famous Hubble telescope which has for years taken images of the far reaches of the universe, will now be pointed back at the Earth in order to take extreme close-up pictures of individuals. In its effort to find all the answers, NASA hopes to eliminate the need for itself by 2025.
Printer juggernaut Hewlett Packard unveiled a new line of green printers which the company claims will be many times more environmentally friendly than any printer currently available. "Double sided printing, non-toxic ink, and other innovations have provided incremental environmental improvements over the years," explained HP spokesperson Kathleen Simpson. "However, our new technology will enable an order of magnitude reduction in the carbon footprint of the of the printer industry." At the core of the new green printers is a proprietary algorithm utilizing neural networks and fuzzy logic which only allows randomly selected print jobs to actually be printed. All other print jobs will simply display a series of nonsensical error messages such as "CODE 5XY" or "RGB 1, 2 , 9." In addition, a newly developed planetary gear system with precisely machined defects will produce frustratingly frequent paper jams. The company says the new printer wi...
Comments
Post a Comment