Due to severe budgetary cutbacks and lack of a manned space vehicle following the end of the Space Shuttle program, NASA has announced that it plans to wind down exploration of outer space, and instead focus on inner space. "There is no need to look externally, when all the answers can be found within," explained newly appointed NASA Director Mary Rainbow Sundance. "Our mission will now change to focus on our inner space as individuals, and find the answers that have eluded us as a species for millennia. We must look deep within, and transcend space and time to fully realize NASA's potential," she explained before dimming the lights at the press conference and playing new age music. NASA will re-purpose its major facilities and equipment to save money in its new endeavors. Launch pads will now be upgraded to hold giant incense sticks. The famous Hubble telescope which has for years taken images of the far reaches of the universe, will now be pointed back at the Earth in order to take extreme close-up pictures of individuals. In its effort to find all the answers, NASA hopes to eliminate the need for itself by 2025.
Tech giant and driver-less car pioneer Google announced that it will be deploying robotic middle fingers on all of its autonomous vehicles. The deployments will begin in New York, followed by Detroit, Washington D.C.; and then proceed to less hostile driving environments. The company realized that its current fleet of autonomous vehicles had no way of displaying displeasure or anger when cut-off, tailgated, or for any other rude and generally ass-holey actions. The middle fingers will have two speed settings. The "instant" setting will employ a spring mechanism that will rapidly deploy the finger for situations that require quick reaction. The "slow and steady" setting will feature the driver side window slowly rolling down while the middle finger simultaneously extends out the car towards the offending vehicle. A camera in the middle finger will record the other driver's reactions, and sophisticated facial recognition software will interpret the reac...
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